the
Pressroom Conversion
Enigma (part I)

It all started when a busload of Japanese businessmen blitzed Bethel in the late 70's and took pictures of everything imaginable that could possibly be redesigned or improved. We knew it was a bad omen. We were "sitting ducks" for such schemes, being isolated from the current printing technology of the world around us. We had the truth, THEY didn't.

The players in this drama are as follows:

Calvin Chyke and Richard Wheelock (factory committee) (Colonel Klink and Sargeant Shultz, for you "Hogan's Heros" fans)

Tom "Cab" Cabeen, Jim "Peach" Petrie and Randy "Watt" Watters (pressroom overseers) (angels, of course!)

Milan Miller, Harry Johnson and Cal Cruder (press installer and his mechanics) (Dogbert w/spectacles, Jay Leno pussy-whipped and the Lone Ranger)

 

younger publisher: Boy, Cal, with all that time you spent at Bethel, you must have done a lot to advance Kingdom interests in the pressroom...
Cal: I remember the nyloprint... (crank the reels up!)
[Nyloprint was a plate material made of plastic that appeared a promising alternative to the expensive route of converting to offset. Believe me, we tried everything first!]

Cal: All of our printing looked like CRAP! I figured out the REAL solution...
[It was opposing atomic charges between the plates and God knows what else.
Naturally, we mocked him behind his back!]

Cal: But then there were these unbelievers...
Harry: ...And I thought it was the bearers! (printing cylinder end-bearers)
Cal: But Milan, surely any atomic physicist can fix it!
Milan: I'm TOO BUSY! Besides, it's static electricity, not "plus" or "minus"!

 

Milan: We need to record the minutes of this meeting.
Cal: Minutes! We can't count just minutes!
Milan: How come?
Cal: This represents half of my life in research and lab tests and consultation and...
Harry: But we must check the bearers!

[Later, after actually VISITING other printing facilities and asking questions, we discovered that (duh!) we were just asking too much of an old technology, and we needed to get offset presses!]

Cal: Here I am the only one who worries about a moronic problem that no one could possibly give a damn about! Then, after 24 minutes, they solve the problem in a couple of seconds, and they all get together at the end and chuckle at me!!
Harry: But why insist on having such dumb premises anyway?
Cal: I will no longer throw my pearls before swine!

[Cal is deflated and he and Edda decide to leave Bethel and start a new life.]
Harry: I hope this gets you home okay, Cal.
Cal: I'm sure it will, Harry.
Harry: I just hope it's able to tow the other two vehicles behind!
[other press mechanics left, too!]


NEXT in Part II: How to tell the factory committee
that we HAVE to go offset, since our alternatives don't work!