the
Pressroom Conversion
Enigma (part II)

The players in this drama are as follows:

Calvin Chyke and Richard Wheelock (factory committee) (Colonel Klink and Sargeant Shultz, for you "Hogan's Heros" fans)

Tom "Cab" Cabeen, Jim "Peach" Petrie and Randy "Watt" Watters (pressroom overseers) (angels, of course!)

Calvin Chyke, Max Larson and Richard Wheelock (factory committee on the 8th floor, above Pressroom) (won't touch that one) and Ralph Lindem (purchasing overseer) and special guest star Dean Songer (former NASA "genius")

Scenario: Bethel decides to go modern with four-color artwork in their publications, though the rest of the world has been doing it for ages. Problem is, they have millions invested in huge M.A.N. presses that print with outdated lead plates and in one or two colors!

Solution? TKS, a Japanese company, invades Bethel and says they can convert them all to offset, for a mere $1 million per press. Figure $60 million for 60 presses (includes Watchtower Farm and one or two other branches.)

Alternate Solution: Buy new Harris offset presses and sell the M.A.N. presses for much better quality and cheaper, too.

Factory Committee's solution: "We can't just throw away these giant presses!"

 

Dean Songer: Look! We've got all these M.A.N. folders and we can't just throw them away! It would cost $60 million to buy new presses!

Ralph Lindem: You had better figure freight, too...

Calvin Chyke: We've got to convert! It's our only hope: Get TKS on the phone, Ralph--get a bid on 120 offset units...

Ralph: But Cal, don't you realize that Cabeen says we can do it all for less than 5 million [early projections]?

Chyke: What does this mean? [duh!]

Ralph: It means that we can do our work cheaper, and with offset quality!

Chyke: Well, even so, the dryers are too expensive--we'd have to buy 500 Tec-Turns [steel rollers that redirect the web to new locations]...

Ralph: You could run the webs up here [8th floor, with all the "hot air," where Chyke and Wheelock worked]!

Chyke: Then we wouldn't have any way to cool them... HEY! Was that a rip at me??

(Wheels lamenting his bruised ego): How in the world did Cabeen come up with just $8 million for conversion to offset?

Chyke with groupies: NOW LOOK. We've got a first class print operation, and we don't want no new equipment.

Tom Combs (Job Press Overseer): But sir! Reason dictates that we've at least got to improve our printing of the handbills!

Chyke: You call that printing? Why you $#%&* goldbrick, you don't know the first thing about printing!

Combs: What do you mean? I'm the overseer of Job Press!

Chyke: You poor kid! You HAVE been through Hell!

Now Wheels, Cabeen's overseer, doesn't want this money-saving project to go to Cabeen's head...

Wheels: AND WE'RE NOT GOING OFFSET, CABEEN, SO GET THIS OUT OF YOUR HEAD!

 

It was, after all, a pie in the face of the factory committee...

 

So the conversion to offset was finally accepted, saving them $48 million. The "Harris project" was Cabeen's baby. From that point forward, we spent the rest of our days at Bethel talking about the "Great Apostasy"!

Wheels attempted to carefully shroud any factory committee projects from Cabeen from thenceforth, and often gave him a job order along with the cryptic statement...

Wheels: Now, DON'T try to guess what this is for, Cabeen!


[What You'll Never See Dept.]


onward to the witch hunt (the "Great Apostasy")